Grieving a loss of personal engagement

My brain feels pretty spacey this morning. It is the second day of my company’s virtual all-hands for July and I am struggling to not be adrift as my coworkers give presentations on topics that are important for our business. These topics are vital to understand as the industry that I’m working in is constantly changing. I’m trying hard to pay attention to everything that’s going on but it’s still a struggle.

I wish I was more engaged with my job in general. I used to be really passionate about every job that I did, trying hard to be the best employee that I could be. I was so passionate that I joined professional organizations, read dozens of books, went to different conferences, and led discussions in my current chosen discipline. It didn’t even matter what job I held; the engagement that I felt was always present.

Somewhere along the line, I lost that enthusiasm that provided that engagement. I don’t know exactly what caused this shift in mindset. Maybe it was just burnout finally catching up to me and making me pay for how much I had pushed myself in the past. Maybe it was the constant sense of frustration and disappointment that I felt towards the companies that I worked for as they constantly failed to live up to the values which they told me we important. Maybe I lost the enthusiasm as I found it harder and harder to gain new skills and knowledge causing my imposter syndrome to go haywire. Maybe seeing the inside of so many businesses has left me really jaded about my place in Capitalism in general. Honestly, it’s probably a combination of all of these things.

I miss the capability of living and breathing a single subject, at least for a little while. I don’t know how to do that anymore, not even with my hobbies. It was nice to feel some sort of confidence in my expertise or at least my capability of speaking competently to a subject. These days, the only thing I feel is a clock ticking down to the point where I have completely outlived my usefulness. I don’t really know what to do with that.

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